These Nights
by DemonUntilDeath
Summary: To dance...since that night, I have longed for the luxury, but will not risk it. No, since I danced with you, Hiei, I lost everything. But I can't regret it...it was all that I wanted. It doesn't matter that I died because of it. Yaoi
1. Prologue

**Disclaimer**: If I owned anything, why would I have put the word "disclaimer" there?

**Notes**: Hate me all you want, I know I just keep adding on more and more stories and I am just soooo sorry, but these ideas that come into my head must be made into stories! Which would mean that…no, I'm not really sorry for writing this, I'm just sorry for not updating the other stories.

You'll live, that or you won't read this which would make me sad!

Please don't make me sad?

**Warnings**: Shounen-ai, uh… not sure what else right now.

-o-o-o-o-

_**These Nights**_

_Prologue_

-o-o-o-o-

_I'm never gonna Dance again_

_The way I danced with you_

_-_Careless Whisper

_There are only a handful of these kinds of nights in a lifetime._

_They shouldn't be wasted…_

It's evening now and the cooling autumn breeze feels good brushing against my slightly heated skin. It's rather relaxing after the last minute rushes we had to deal with this afternoon.

The moon is climbing in the sky as the night slowly moves onward. The stars are shining brightly, the light falling down upon us this night, lighting the darkening park. They are blocked, somewhat, by the party lights strung along the trees, encasing out little reception area with a warm glow that the cold moon, for all its beauty, can not create.

The refreshing scents of flowers fill the air. Jasmine and baby's breath and lilacs, lilies, and thyme.

And, of course, the white roses.

One rests in the pocket of my clean pressed suit and deft fingers travel there now in thought of it.

Unlike how they used to be, the flower does not bring me comfort.

Actually, I casually pause to wonder if I've ever been more nervous in my entire life. Although the ceremony is over and we survived to be here beneath the moon, it still feels off somehow, like I'm expecting someone to come sweep me off my feet, take me out of here, willing or…not.

And then a gentle hand is bringing me back to my heaven-worthy surroundings, and I look up to my savior.

Inari, she is so beautiful this night.

The words of bells and harmony flow from lightly painted lips, bringing a very gentle smile to my face. This is the girl that helped me find my smile and now that I have it, I'll never let her go from my heart.

"Dance with me."

I don't dance, it's as simple as that and she knows. I wouldn't be here, warmly clasping her hand as she pulls me from my chair if she wasn't aware.

However…she knows, but she'll make me dance anyways.

I suppose this makes it even more nerve-wracking as her white-gloved hand squeezes lightly on my fingers, the cloth running over my smooth skin. She's comforting me; she was always so good at that, perhaps the best.

Her long, flowing dress sways against me as I take her hand in mine. I can feel the embroidered flowers on the white cloth as I place my hand on her waist. A hand is placed on my neck, the elbow-long gloves still light on that skin.

Soft, flowing music begins and we move ever so carefully, afraid to break the moment. She can see my nerves as I smile shakily, but the smile is loving and makes her laugh. I love making her laugh; the sound is like a wind chime that tinkles musically in the cool breeze.

Her swaying hips cause the dress and veil alike to swish back and forth as we begin around the floor, around everyone else I can no longer see. All I see are her eyes and I can't look away.

"What?" A smile caresses those thin lips and it makes my own widen in return. I shake my head, feeling the hair I have tied back brush against my back.

"It's nothing," I whisper softly before her. "I'm just so happy…"

She is so beautiful.

-o-o-o-

**End Prologue**

-o-o-o-

It's not as terrifying as it seems. I gave big hints as to who the narrator is and if you figured it out, don't panic. You know me; I take you all for big loops!

Thanks for reading!

I'm working on the other stories right now so I'll get them up! My writing mood just kicked in today, so we'll see what I can kick out.

Please review!


	2. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: **-wave-

**Notes**: none that I know of. And if there are some that you know of that I don't know of…why aren't you writing the story?!

**-o-o-o-**

_**These Nights**_

_Chapter 1_

**-o-o-o-**

_We can dance if we want to_

_We can leave your friends behind_

-DEL

**-o-o-o-**

Keiko had never looked happier, and it warmed my heart to see her standing before Koenma, her hand in Yusuke's. The kimono upon her shoulders, of white demonic silk, was weighed with the embroideries of blossoming flowers, flowing blue ribbons, and small crystal gems.

Yukina had made it herself, each layer painstakingly sewn and embroidered. It was an amazing beauty of silk from the Makai spider youkai, wrapped in a powder blue obi, tails of the ties swaying on the ground.

I had lent my own hand of which I was only too happy to offer. Keiko's hair had been my work of art that afternoon. The long, chocolate dark strands were braided into a ponytail which sat atop her head, the ends loose and curled into ringlets. Baby's breath and white budding roses were tucked within the curls and braids.

It had been my crowning achievement or, more so as I cared to look at it, my input in the wedding.

Well, besides getting a drunk Yusuke and Kuwabara home from the bachelor party. Yeah, that was my handiwork too.

Speaking of which, the demon lord looked almost as good as his soon-to-be (or in-the-process-of-being.) The black kimono he wore wasn't quite conventional with the bright blue phoenix embroidered on his back (Yukina's skilled handwork once more) with yellow tendrils of energy wrapping around it.

His hair, over which he had argued vehemently with me, was un-gelled and loose. One or two random hairs fell before his eyes to frame his face. Obviously, the lack of gel meant that I had won the argument.

I suppose what truly made him that night, however, was the look in his eyes. Yusuke often laughed and he almost always smiled, but the look in his eyes now was pure happiness, untainted.

A happy with no other emotion, no other cause, no reason but the woman before him.

While it should have been the most heart-warming, joy-inspiring thing I had ever witnessed, it instead filled my heart with a bitter, pitiful sorrow that was none but my own. I was jealous of my friend because I had never known that happiness, and I wasn't likely to, either.

It made me think of Kuronue, and the childish, thieving love we held for one another. We were just immature lovers out for a good time more that true love.

But more than my bat demon, it made me think of Hiei, and that was my true bitter sorrow. The pitiful sorrow mixed in was because I couldn't let him go.

I glanced to the fire demon standing beside more, both of us playing our roles in Yusuke's wedding. His eyes appeared to be locked on the happy couple listening to Koenma speak of their union, but I knew better. He was watching his sister, standing on the bride's side between Botan and Shizuru.

They all looked so beautiful in their light blue kimono's that fit to Keiko's decorated white kimono.

I'm such an emotional sap. The youko that I am is disgusted. Perhaps that's why I always feel so confused; I am two opposing sides of a coin that have tried to squeeze onto the one side.

I have found myself constantly conflicted on almost everything in my human life. I go to school, but the Youko-me wants to quit. I want to stay in the Ningenkai, but the same me also wants to leave. I want to love Hiei, but I also just want to bed him.

That's my largest obstacle right now. Half of me will not bed him _unless_ he loves me and the other half wants to bed him _until_ he loves me.

It hurts so badly without being aware of it, and knowing its there and why I am in pain only makes it worse.

Yusuke figured it out, which is perhaps the worst part of my jealousy towards him. He approached me on the subject, and why I had been slowly loosing weight, hesitantly becoming less social.

It's not that I wanted to become anti-social: I enjoy spending time with my friends. And I'm not after attention; I don't give pity and I certainly won't accept any of it.

It is just that I want to be happy. I want the pain to be gone. I just want to stop hurting.

And I love Yusuke for coming forward; he may be academically and commonly dense, but emotionally he can read me like an open book. Which is quite an accomplishment, since I am, apparently, extremely well hidden behind my mask. But, as kind and as pure as his intention, he can't help me.

I can only help myself by letting go of one side. I fear it will break me to loose one side, and I will never be what I am now. But if it would stop the pain, I would consider it.

I was shaken from such morbid thoughts as my two friends leaned in to kiss, those sitting in the large temple room cheering and hooting, several bantering like the immature demons they were.

Yusuke pulled away with a classic, closed-eye grin as he grabbed his wife's hand. Keiko, blushing, turned for Koenma to present the new marriage. They started down the isle, between the two groups of demons on one side, more or less disguised from the humans on the other side. There were really only four or five humans, most of the attendants were our demonic friends from the tournaments and cases.

Beside me, Kuwabara started forward, taking Yukina's hand on his arm and escorting her down the aisle with a soft smile. I couldn't help my own grin as Hiei growled at the "oaf" touching his sister.

I started forward and held out my arm for Shizuru and she took it lightly, a little smirk on her lips. Shizuru and I always got along,; we hit it off from the beginning and I've always been able to talk to her without difficulty. Perhaps it is because she does not pity me, nor give sympathy. She gives advice without the fluff to cushion its harshness.

For a while, I contemplated whether or not she could take my pain away, but I don't think it would work. It wouldn't be fair to Shizuru to use her as my substitute pain pill.

I only hoped at the time that she could always be there and that I would always be welcomed.

We walked between the chairs of the audience and I gave Touya and Jin a small smile as we passed. I could easily spot the other survivors of the Ankoku Bujusukai, they sat rather close together, after all.

That was a group that I loved. We were almost a close-knit family by the end of our second tournament. We all survived the horrors of our first tournament and they came back again when we needed them most.

No, not we. When I needed them. When I needed them to please Yomi, to keep my mother and step-father alive.

For me, this group became my second family. I helped Genkai train them and they've saved my life, they've come on cases, and over the last year I have spent almost every weekend I could with them, quenching my Makai longings.

Touya and I had developed a sense of friendship during the Ankoku Bujusukai, and it only grew thicker with the years that passed. I was able to live with my pain because of the escape I got from my tournament family.

And I have not once told them how much they mean to me.

I was again kicked out of my daydreaming nightmares as Shizuru nudged me. We were at our reception table and I pulled out her chair for her, waiting for her to take a seat before I took my own, laughing as she called me a space-cadet. Yusuke and Keiko were greeting their guests at the door to the reception area, which happened to be Genkai's Temple grounds, the two standing at the top of the stairs going to the grassy courtyard.

Hours of laughing, eating, and talking passed that night with long, sappy speeches or claims that made us laugh so hard we cried. And on that night, I didn't have to pretend to be happy. I didn't have to worry about smiling through my pain.

It was a welcomed reprieve, and I wish now that it could have lasted forever.

As the night ore on, the boys getting drunker and the girls moving farther from them, the festivities didn't seem to be ending. After gently kissing the soft skin of Yukina's hand, I thanked her for the dance and gracefully took my seat.

My feet had been hurting from the damn shoes for some time and by the time I walked off the dance floor, I longed to remove my shoes and feel the fresh grass beneath me. The nature was calling for me to relax my tired bones upon them, and I stared at the grass in longing.

"No one will care, Fox."

Surprised in a childish manner, I raised my eyes to take in the fire demon before me. He stood, his lack kimono a similar match to Yukina's but in reverse colors, glaring at me. But only I and few other specially chosen souls could look at that expression and smile, calling it soft and caring, for that is what it was.

"Care about what, Hiei?" I asked almost teasingly, drawing him out to answer and use that deep voice of his.

I loved his voice.

I only got a growl and a staring contest until he realized I wasn't giving in because I wasn't evening trying. With a snort of faked nonchalance, he continued glaring. "No one will care if you take your shoes off, kitsune no baka."

Smiling, I slid my shoes off, peeling the socks off with them. "It's terribly rude, but since you care enough to comment, I will surely not ignore your voice."

It got me another snort as he looked away. "You talk too much."

"And you only talk occasionally. I'm just making up for you," I reply, smiling gently as I risk a hand on his smaller shoulder, anticipating his allowance of the move. I could feel the grass squish between my toes and it made me feel so suddenly at home, staring into those red eyes. "Will you dance with me?"

I've never been able to figure out just why I asked that question, but I will never forgive myself for it.

It is hard to catch Hiei by surprise, but I achieved it that night, as red eyes widened, looking up at me. I knew it wouldn't last long, and it did quickly shift into a glare.

"I don't dance," he said defiantly and firmly, as if that would really stop me. I just smiled, staring at him in a rather pouting manner, without actually pouting at all. Hiei maintained his stare for a good ten minutes before he sighed in irritation.

"One dance, stupid fox," his growl was low and dangerous, but I couldn't help smile as I gently led him to the dance floor. "Why do I let you talk me into these things?"

My smile shifted to a somewhat less innocent grin. "More like stared you into it. And it won't be that bad." I turned him around to face me, keeping to the corner of the dance floor to avoid feeling locked in by the other dancers.

His hand automatically went to my waist before I could object and his glare dared me to question the placement. Obviously, Hiei wanted the male position. I allowed this, placing my hand on his neck, not minding the half foot distance between us. Clenching my hand, he began moving slowly, the music rather drawing in a slow, sappy song.

Hiei kept his eyes on me, those piercing crimson orbs that drew me into them without the slightest resistance. That hand on my waist tightened almost imperceptibly to draw me just that much closer.

It was a comfort and a torture, feeling his hands pull me close while I knew it would never mean anything.

But he never took his eyes of me and I, in turn, could not remove mine. This is what I wanted, what I longed for. To be under that touch and into those eyes; it was all I had longed for over the past ten years.

This was what I wanted.

The song slowly ended and I smiled as Hiei very slowly slid his hand off my waist, eliciting a shiver in me. My smile became a bit more forced as I let go of the hand I wished to hold forever. But those red eyes were still locked on mine.

"Thank you for my dance, Hiei," I began softly, feeling uncomfortable in the silence that filled the small space between our bodies. I was afraid of that light blush that covered my cheeks.

"Hn…" Hiei was almost not there, his eyes distant but so near, connected to me. My green eyes widened slightly as a hand came up and small, sword-calloused fingers brushed against my skin.

That hand trailed from my cheek down to my mouth, running over pale lips. I could not help it; I was shaking by the time Hiei leaned towards me, rising on his toes to draw closer.

Those eyes never left me as those lips brushed against my lips. A light gasp passed between us as I put a hand on his shoulder.

And I would have pressed us together, feeding off my locked away desire, had a squeal from one rather high pitched girl not broken off our connection.

At first, it occurred to me that the squeal was probably because of our actions, but it was not so. In the center of the dance floor, now only moments after the song ended and moments before I would have kissed Hiei for the first time, stood Yukina.

And knelt before her was Kuwabara.

A beautifully ornate, velvet box was in one hand, upraised and open to Yukina. It bore a beautiful diamond and sapphire ring, teardrop in shape and flower petal in form. Silence filled the hall as the end of a single sentence floated through the room.

"-ou marry me?"

And I knew, at that moment, my life was about to turn to hell.

-o-o-o-

End Chapter 1

-o-o-o-

Author notes: None, cuz I'm lazy!

Please review bows thank you!


	3. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: **-Numa-Numa dance! Everyone join in!

**Notes**: I know this was one of the more recent stories I updated and I apologize I did not get one of the less updated ones out sooner. I am currently working on them now after a month of writer's block. My sincerest apologies. I hope this can tide most of you over while I work on getting the other stories out once more.

**Warnings**: Implied non-consensual sex and more mature content. Half of you might hate me by the end of this chapter.

This chapter moves very fast, covering several months in only a few pages of writing. I hope it isn't too hasty.

**-o-o-o-**

_**These Nights**_

_Chapter 2_

**-o-o-o-**

_Should have known better than to cheat a friend_

_Risk the chance that I'd been given_

-DEL

**-o-o-o-**

By the time I'd managed to get the door open to my apartment, Hiei could hardly stand. His beautiful red orbs that I admired so much were half lidded and his drawling speech slurred. An am was wrapped around my neck for support, pulling me down in my attempts to hold up his drunken legs.

I don't think he stopped drinking since Yukina said yes to Kuwabara. I'd tried to get him to stop, but the only way to do that, it turned out, was to get him away from the wedding. And since he had nowhere to go (and was drunk off his ass) I decided he could just rest at my apartment until morning.

I didn't think it something so similar and normal could go so wrong.

Hiei had me pressed to the bed before I could get the covers pulled back. I looked up into that drunken gaze, the gasp of suddenly being pinned sticll echoing in the silent room. My hands were at the level of my eyes, held into the mattress by my wrists. The carpet brushed my bare feet as my legs hung off the edge of the bed. Hiei's pelvis and hips were pressed against mine, arousing an excitement in me that had my breath catching.

"H-Hiei…" I whispered, trying to make my tone that of a warning, rather than the pleasured begging I feared it was. It obviously didn't work as he leaned down, grinding his hips as he did and I moaned, clenching my hands into the sheets.

My eyes slid closed as he whispered huskily against my cheek, "You want this?" He ground his hips into me once more and I gasped, red tinting my cheeks under that drunken gaze. I tried to logically think myself out of the situation while ignoring the obvious need the fire demon was creating in me.

But the problem was I didn't really want to get out of it.

I noticed my wrists pulled over my head and held in one of those small, sword calloused hands. I noticed my kimono being pulled slowly apart to reveal my chest, though still held closed by the obi. I noticed all of it, but I couldn't grasp it, couldn't move around the feeling of his hands on my skin, his mouth on my nipple.

Lost to a haze of pleasure I longed for, I slowly turned deaf to the logical thought screaming in my head: _This shouldn't happen; not like this_.

It was when my obi was pulled tightly around my hands, binding me from resistance tightly enough to bring discomfort that I realized just how wrong it was. I told myself I'd never bed him unless he loved me; I had vowed that.

This was wrong because he was drunk and I was willing, and that didn't add up the way I wanted it to. It didn't equal love.

"St-stop, Hiei," I whispered, gathering my courage to do so, but it was only a deaf command. The room was quiet, devoid of sound but the gentle lapping of his mouth on my skin and my own husky breath. My hands were secured to my bed post, spreading me across the bed.

Hiei, while still drunk, functioned relatively efficiently under the influence of about twelve two many human alcoholic drinks. I, however, only had half of his amount and I was tired, out of it, and suffering from the slightly drunken confusion. And, though tiny, the fire demon was strong and my euphoric state made it child's play to tie me up and hold me down.

I wanted that, but I didn't want it like that.

"Stop!" I cried out in mustered strength as he pushed my legs down from where I tried to stand on the bed. His hand traveled to my barely closed kimono, now held only by the friction of cloth on skin. I crumbled into a moan as he purposefully brushed my growing erection.

Hiei never said a word as he slid the cloth off my body and onto the bed beneath us as I pleaded and whispered and moaned and whimpered. It only aided in arousing his drunket desire further and he spread my legs without warning.

"Stop it! Stop it! Stop it!" I cried one last time in dire hope before he intruded upon me without any preparation and my cry turned to pain that pierced the dark room.

How could everything have gone so wrong?

Less than an hour later, Hiei finally passed out from drunken exhaustion, I could feel the blood slowly running down my thighs. It was pooling on my best kimono, soaking through my bed sheets, staining my mattress. The sash still bound my hands and my wrists hurt from trying to pull out of the knot.

But I was calm now; I was thinking like the strategist I was. All I had to do was summon a vine to untie the bindings for me. Minutes later, I finally removed my hands and rubbed the sore skin, the calmness I felt turning to anger.

Anger not directed at Hiei.

I could have stopped him. I could have stopped him, but I didn't.

This was my fault.

I left the unconscious fire demon in the room, taking my bed sheets out from under him, as well as my ruined kimono. As tears of hot hatred flowed down my cheeks, humiliated and heart broken, I turned on the shower and set to the task of cleaning the injury Hiei had inflicted upon me.

No…the injury I had inflicted upon myself.

Hiei didn't rape me; I wanted it. I didn't stop him, so he didn't rape me. He never did. He just…he….He just didn't!

I sobbed against the shower wall, collapsing to the tile structure in weakness and pressed my forehead against the cold stone. It all went so wrong when I had stayed so far away to keep it right.

What probably hurt the most was just that; the fact that I had spent the last ten years of my life in longing desire that I refused myself only to have it shoved harshly in my face. I felt as if the last decade had been a waste; it was thrown in the trash because now…

…Now everything was shattered.

Maybe if I could keep Hiei from learning what he'd done: keep it to myself! No one else needed to know my failure, my trickery. This was my fault, my sin, and I would protect Hiei from the truth, if I could.

I climbed out of the shower, ignoring the sharp pain of my groin and bottom, sore and poorly treated. The muscle felt torn and stretched, like a leg the day after a marathon. But I couldn't show the fire demon that.

I wasn't sure what his reaction would be, but I didn't want to find out. So I threw the sheets in the wash, along with my kimono in hopes, but knowing it was ruined. And, at three o'clock in the morning I refitted the bed, washed and clothed Hiei, and disposed of the last evidence of the night's events.

And that was the end of it.

Hiei was gone by the time I went upstairs at seven after a sleepless night in the kitchen (coffee played a significant role). And I didn't see him again for more than three months, probably avoiding the truth of Yukina's engagement.

Those three months must have been really hard on my close friends, for they tell me that I was not myself. But I'm not surprised about that; I became and isolationist: a depressed solitary shadow of my older self. It was post-dramatic trauma, I still claim to this day. At least I'd like to think it was, because I was doing better by the time Hiei reappeared in my life.

I had been spending my time, that which I could spare from college and the school work I chose to submerge myself in, between Yusuke and Touya, alternating the weekends between said groups of friends.

At first, I figured it was a good thing Hiei was back. Touya was getting far too close to the truth and he wasn't letting up on his questioning, intent to learn why I was so quiet, even after three months.

But really, it wasn't. Hiei's return symbolized the end of my imagined world that I pretended to be reality; a picture of perfection shattered three months ago and now taped back to a whole.

I should have known that tape can not fix an already cracked picture. Tape is just an illusion, a surface protection. Beneath the tape, the picture is still broken and always will be.

It had been the end of fall when he came back, sometime in October. The air had just begun to crisp to a point that could be called "cold" but the shifting leaves and multitude of color was worth the worsening weather.

Fall always conflicted me so: the colors couldn't be more beautiful, but the pain of the plantlife slowly dying day by day tore at me every minute. It was a problem I had faced my entire human life, and constantly I argued if living in a place where the trees died was worth the beauty.

Well, I hadn't moved yet.

The smell of rain often filled the recent nights and the fallen leaves, dampened by showers, lined the streets in clusteres. I took walks on these evenings, stepping in calm puddles that reflected the colorful trees of my neighborhood. Such exercise was helpful to me in letting my mind wander from current troubles and I used it as an excuse to get out of the house.

I supposed I needed such escape badly, what with my odd behavior and mother's worry of it. I truly feel guilty for putting her through all this, especially since it all only got worse from there.

It should have occurred to me when Yusuke called; I should have realized something was off when he asked me if I knew – knew that Hiei was back. Well, of course I knew he was back because Hiei always visited me first when he came back from Makai.

Only, this time he hadn't. I hadn't known Hiei was in the Ningenkai. It did strike me as odd, but I said nothing of it as Yusuke began rambling about the fire demon showing up in the middle of the temple with no warning – just like our Hiei.

"But then," Yusuke continued, though his tone had changed. He sounded confused and slightly worried, but I wasn't sure what about, "something weird kinda' happened. I clapped him on the back and asked how you were, K'rama, like I always do. But…

"But instead of getting the normal, scoffing reply, he just kinda stood there, and his body started heating up until I had to take my hand off his back or get burned!" Yusuke continued and I blinked, staring at my wall absently, the phone pressed unknowingly tight against my ear.

Hiei's temperature fluctuated with his moods, especially in anger. My green eyes widened slightly at the only explanation for why the fire demon would be enraged by my name.

He had found out.

Hiei knew what had conspired that night and he knew it was my fault; knew I could have stop him. Knew that I had been able to, but I didn't.

My grip on the phone weakened as my fingers shook and I tried desperately to hold tight to the device. Yusuke's voice was rambling on again, but I wasn't hearing any of it. I couldn't shake the fear that had clung to me, fear that my taped picture had just met an untimely end with a jack hammer.

Soon it would be shattered beyond repair, mere shards among thousands of other ruined pictures. No amount of duct tape would ever fix them.

I don't know what else I said to Yusuke during that conversation; I'm not sure I said anything at all. I know he was worried about me by the time I managed to slip the phone back onto the receiver and I couldn't blame him. I was acting like a mindless zombie, stumbling around my room, shaking in anticipation and fear.

And somehow I made it through two days as one of the brainless undead (now I know how Yusuke made it through high school). I attended my classes, told my friends I was fine, lied to my mother, ate, slept, walked. I did it all without doing any of it, for I was no longer me by that time. I was a defense mechanism that took over to make sure I got through the day; I was a robot; an empty shell.

And still, it only managed to get worse.

It was late on a Thursday night when Hiei finally approached me. I was at home, finishing up my late night studies for a statistics test the next day. His energy was almost fleeting, hidden, and I had engrossed myself in P-values in hopes of forgetting my anxiety – delaying my shattering picture.

I was adding more tape in futile hopes of keeping my image of reality together for minutes more, if only.

He landed on my window with a thud loud enough to draw my buried attention and my breath caught as my heart stopped beating altogether. My face might have been blue from asphyxiation, but it felt as if it burned red with shame. I could not avert my widened eyes. I was a dear in headlights, soon to be hit by the truck.

"H-Hie-"

It came before I could even speak his name and my instinctual reflexes were all that saved my jaw as Hiei sent a fist at me. I blocked, but not enough to keep from being flung back. The desk chair I sat in tipped, sending me onto my back for as long as momentum allowed before I rolled to my feet. I held the bleeding cut on my bruising cheek in absolute shock.

Yelling and screaming I had anticipated. Words of hate and misfortune I had been anticipating. But physical aggression was something I had not prepared for. It was true that, as a fighter, I often trained to keep my abilities at their peak, but I was incapable of fighting Hiei.

Not because he was stronger than me. Not because his warded arm was smoking.

I could not fight him because I loved him. And I refused hurt him any further.

I am now convinced that this was a relatively stupid constitution to commit to, but I was young and naïve. I still believed in nobility and honor; in love over pain.

I am not so childish anymore.

I wouldn't have let Hiei hit me again, this time without any attempt to block as he slammed me into my wall, the structure shaking with the blow. He caught me by the throat as I stumbled and, this time, I felt the skin beneath my hair split as he shoved me up against the wall. His small digits pressed against my windpipe as I detected the smell and feel of blood trickling down my neck.

It was slowly matting my hair and I could feet it smearing on the wall I was pressed into. Absently, I could only comment on how hard it would be for my mother to remove it, should I not be alive to do so myself.

Thinking in a manner that is past tense of your death is an eerie feeling, but you do not recognize it until the matter is solved, or passed.

Or until blood red eyes bring you back to reality with a stare of disgust and hatred. I thought dazedly of how he almost looked betrayed with that small twinge of sorrow he was trying to hide. But he can't hide from me, not from me.

I found the tidbit a little odd, but I passed over it. Indeed, for the fault I had committed, I supposed the betrayal fit. I let my best friend do something he would regret when I could have stopped him.

I am the worst sinner of all.

"Hi-Hiei-" I raised a shaking hand to the grip on my throat. I couldn't breath and I had to breath. I wanted to at least explain myself. "St-stop…"

The grip around my windpipe loosened but the hand pushed me harder against the wall. I could now breathe, but I could hardly speak: not a solution to my problem.

"I thought I could trust you, Youko!" Hiei hissed out as his hand dug into my skin. I could only stare at him through my squinted eyes. I couldn't speak past the pressure on my throat and I just croaked slightly.

_'I know,'_ I whispered in my mind, my hand placing gently on the one against my neck. How could I fight against the repercussions of my own doings?

Hiei growled at the touch, his glare only worsening. He pulled me off the wall and threw me to the side. I slammed to the floor with a large crash as I hit the corner of my desk. That would bruise horribly by morning. I managed to sit up on my knees before a hand fisted in my shirt.

"I actually thought your humanity was doing something good for you, you Youko slut!" he screamed into my face and I merely closed my eyes in compliance.

_'I know, I know, I know. I should have trie-'_ My thoughts stopped suddenly as his cruel words finally sunk in. I did not understand why he would say such things in this situation. My humanity should have done nothing in preventing his drunken actions. If anything, I should have relied on my demonic abilities.

And furthermore, why did I deserve to be called a slut? Yes, I wanted Hiei; I wanted him horribly, but it's not like I had spread my legs!

A frown creased my brow within seconds of his words and I slowly opened my eyes. "H-Hiei, I don't, I didn't-"

"Did you think I wouldn't notice?" he lashed out angrily, his palm connecting with my cheekbone. My head snapped to the side and I did nothing to stop it. "Did you think I wouldn't know my clothes had been change? Did you think I wouldn't notice the smell of sex in the room?"

I visibly flinched at his words but couldn't bring myself to say anything which, perhaps, only infuriated the fire demon further. He pulled me up so that I was half off my knees, just below eye level with him. Those red eyes were so cold; so angry.

They were so betrayed.

"I thought you could keep your fucking legs crossed!" he resumed shouting. "I trusted you- and you think you can fucking use me as your toy!"

This time, my eyes did flash open and the fox within me snarled at the accusation, adding to my stunned confusion. But I was getting angry now.

"Hiei, I don't underst-"

"Shuichi?" the panicked cry interrupted everything I was saying and my head snapped towards my door. My mother was pounding on the wood. "Shuichi is everything okay in there?"

It was only then that I realized that Hiei had been slamming me into furniture and walls. It was actually a wonder that the house hadn't begun falling apart or any permanent damage hadn't been dealt.

Hiei sent me the harshest, fiercest glare I had ever seen. Even out worst enemies, the ones that infuriated him to wreckless actions, had never received a glare like the one I did that day. It sent me into a fit of shivers as my breath and words caught in my throat and threatened to choke me.

And before I knew what was going on, I was suddenly on the ground, by feet unable to support me in the sudden drop. The fire demon was gone- the curtains around my window blowing gently in the wake of his absence.

I looked around my room, at the tossed furniture and disheveled state. Weakly, I climbed to my feet, a hand around my already bruising neck as I stumbled over to the door. "M-mother," I croaked out before swallowing again to get my voice back. I cracked open the door, but whatever I wanted to say died upon seeing the worried look in my mother's eyes.

I hadn't cried since I was nine. I managed not to cry when I thought Hiei's dragon had eaten him in the Ankokuna Bujusukai. I managed not to cry when I thought I'd killed that little boy under Sensui's men.

But at the sight of my mother, so worried and pained at the thought that I could be hurt, I broke down. I couldn't stop the tears that poured down my cheeks and soaked into the ground beneath my feet. My mother's eyes widened slightly but she said nothing, just took me into her arms as if I was once more a young child.

It was what I needed.

And in that moment when my world consisted only of shattered pictures that used to be a perfect life, I gathered the courage to sob out everything I'd ever wanted to tell her.

Because I could never tell her about Hiei unless she first knew about me.

-o-o-o-

End Chapter 2

-o-o-o-

Author notes: I don't think any are necessary. However, I'd like to say that while I like this chapter and had fun writing it, it moved too fast for my tastes. But I couldn't slow it down, somehow. Sorry about that.

Hope you enjoyed and please review.


	4. Chapter 4

Disclaimer: I don't own Jack

**Disclaimer**: I don't own Jack. Jack is his own owner. He doesn't like to be owned.

**Notes:** Uh…not much at the moment.

Basically, this was KyoHana's first choice and seeing as she's the only one who got my Cold Rescue Trivia right, she gets the story update.

Okay…for a second note, three other people requested this after I _failed_ to update for Kyo…

So….this is for everyone who wanted to read it because I'm a dunce who took a year to update. Ugh!!

I kinda suggest re-reading the other chapters first….God, I'm such an idiot. Sorry!

**-o-o-o-**

_**These Nights**_

_Chapter 3_

**-o-o-o-**

_So I'm never gone dance again,_

_the way I danced with you_

-Careless Whisper-

**-o-o-o-**

In my two lives – both human and demonic, I can count the number of times I have cried on one hand. But in all those times, from murdered lovers to dying mothers, I don't think I've ever cried as hard or as long as I did within Shiori's arms that night.

And she listened through it all.

I managed to get out my two life stories for her – the thievery, the youko scandals, the impending deal with an unborn infant and the stealing of his life; splitting the body of her son with two souls. She listened to my accounts of Hiei, the small boy she'd met only once (and never dreamed could be a fire demon in line for a third of the Makai). And yet, even then, she had seen how deeply my heart had been captured and how oblivious he truly was to that which he held.

Shiori learned of my exploits in the human world as well: the thieving job I pulled with the diminutive fire demon to save her life, the penalty I paid for it and how that punishment turned into one of the best things that had ever happened to me.

She listened to the danger, the sorrows, the pain, and the happiness. And through it all, my mother never released her hold on me. It tightened drastically with every close call I explained, every pain I had suffered, and every time she had almost lost her son.

My tears never fully stopped, though they certainly subsided somewhat as my tale stretched on and my mother's presence comforted me about my fears of rejection. Fate would indeed be cruel to turn away the last thing I held dear. I could not bear my mother's dismissal, especially after Hiei's.

So I buried myself in her tender care and love, praying I would not wake to find it had all been a dream.

And as my story slowed to the telling of the current bruising on neck and cheek, as well as the heavy bump she held an ice pack to (not that my energy made it necessary), I felt her sobs mix with mine.

She was crying for me.

My heart went out to her once more. A woman who had raised a monster without ever knowing – a monster that had stolen the life of her only son – and now she cried for that abomination's pain.

I thought my heart might break once more in her kindness.

"Mother," I whispered as I finished my tale of guilt and pain. "I don't know what to do. Guide me."

"Shuichi," she began softly, laying her cheek gently atop my red tresses. At the beginning of all this, she had called me Kurama – hesitantly believing it was my proper name – but I would have none of it.

For her, I would always be Shuichi. On her lips, that would be my proper name.

"My son," she started again, choosing her words with the utmost care, afraid to hurt me more. I am not so fragile, despite my effeminate looks…And yet here I am sobbing into my mother's chest at the striking age of something-over-a-millennia plus twenty-one human years.

But no, I am not fragile.

"I have so little I can offer for advice." Even just her gentle tone was comfort enough to calm my mind. I could live without her advice, if only she would continue to love me.

It was all I would need.

"But I must insist on one thing." Her voice brought me to myself again and I tightened the arms I had wrapped around her waist, my upper body cupped into her lap as a young kit would cling to his parent.

"Shuichi…rape victims tend to blame themselves for what was done to them," she had broached the touchy subject. I wasn't raped – I was used, and I was used because I had let Hiei use me. That wasn't rape.

God don't say that word.

"Mother-"

"No, Shuichi," she interrupted, her grip on my shoulder firm. "I must insist on this point…From everything you explained to me…my son, you may have wanted him, but you did not want him in such a manner.

"You wanted romance and love and you craved his attention, not his sexual appeal. What he gave you was none of what you wanted and, from what you told me, you asked him to stop." Her words were cutting me deeply and I clung more tightly to her still.

"He raped you, Shuichi. You cannot blame yourself for another's actions – you can't sit here and think that everything you did or did not do could have affected this. Life is a road full of ups and downs – mountains and valleys. You cannot blame yourself for the way the ground changes around you."

And I could not argue with my mother – not she who had always been so wise in soothing everything and anything that ailed me. And now when my love for a fire demon had finally turned upside down, dumping me into a lonely, frozen world of pain, she was there to try and light a fire for me.

But Inari-sama, I just wish she wouldn't say that word.

I nodded, gently worrying my lip between my teeth as the tears calmed and gave no more. Of course she was right; it wasn't my fault, but I would always blame myself because, on some level, I could have stopped him if I'd kept my wits about me.

I had done everything wrong when I could have done so much differently. But it was gone now, in the past – in one of those valleys of life that I had now to climb out of, to best and top until I reached the amazing view at its peak.

But the comfort of it being in the past didn't stop the pain.

"Mother…thank you," I whispered weakly against her and felt her arms strengthen around me.

"You are welcome, Shuichi," she whispered in return and ran a hand through my hair – checking the bump I had received. It was already gone. "And I love you, my son. I always shall and nothing will change that."

I could only nod and cling to my last lifeline with everything I had, still a kit in so many ways.

-o-o-o-

I am not sure how two weeks had passed since Hiei had come and gone; a fortnight since he had shoved me up against that wall and brutally accused me of that which he had done. Fourteen days since my mother had learned my deepest secret and loved me all the deeper because of it.

Two weeks, and I did not feel any better, or freer. No, I felt more weighed down than ever and it occurred to me that my body was showing the signs of what my mind was ignoring: depression.

I'm not sure when I stopped sleeping – I was so tired that my memories of that time are somewhat mixed up. So when I say that I might not have slept since Hiei ra-….Since Yusuke's wedding, it might be the truth. Or it could be the truth that I no longer found rest after my fire demon slammed me up against the wall.

Or both could be true.

But I know that I had dark circles under my eyes almost constantly, and I know they were far worse than before the wall-slamming experience, since Touya's concern (and therefore his incessant questions) doubled. I began to slow my visits to my "second family", fearful that my little secret would be discovered.

Fearful of what others might think but, most of all, fearful of what Hiei might do should it be known to all the rest.

I know he would probably suspect me of telling the others, for he would certainly know of it. Indeed, I cannot see someone like Touya or Yusuke, two rather protective friends of mine, standing idly buy after learning what transpired between us.

No, indeed not. With my luck, they would march into Alaric and kindly kick the shit out of Hiei for me. Which really is not what I wanted at all, considering I still blamed myself.

But I was quickly discovering a new problem that was, perhaps, even harder to ignore than the questions of my friends.

Everything I passed on the streets reminded me of my fire demon. Every restaurant I had tried to drag him into, all of the various ice cream parlors we had visited. Not to mention that seeing my friends only helped to recall that one was missing and most certainly not coming back.

And I could not look Yukina in the eye without nearly breaking down at the gaze that stared back; the gaze so close to Hiei's that it made me want to cry (which, in turn, seemed to make her want to cry, so I had just stopped visiting the temple, as well).

No, I had to get away before I let this city and its memories swallow me whole.

My mother didn't know how to take the news as I slowly explained that I simply couldn't stay here. "Perhaps it was too soon to tell – perhaps you have not given it enough time," she had mumbled in the vain hope that I would not leave her…

Or perhaps my thoughts of ending my pain with every sharp object I saw was only a 'passing phase'. Though I would never truly take my life, the temptation that fought within me scared me and only deepened the already endless desire to find a place without such memories.

In the end, without wanting to panic her with my near suicidal thoughts, she relented and agreed that I should not stay where I felt so pained at every moment (on the condition that I write and/or call her every single day).

But when I told her where I was planning to go, a whole new round of disagreements began. I don't think she realized how serious I was about "getting away."

I couldn't stay in Japan – not when every inch of it reeked of demonic aura from the weak barriers – not when a Jagan could find me or a Junior Lord of Rekai might be able to seek me out.

I needed to get _away_. But still, she had insisted, New York was a bit more than just 'a way's away'.

And I couldn't disagree with her thoughts, but I couldn't relent either. I needed to be on the other side of the world, and the choices I had contemplated took me from Switzerland to Britain, to America.

I had settled on the last in hopes that employment and life might be easier to achieve in a place where I at least had some distant relatives (on my deceased father's side, in fact).

I had already applied for a college transfer to a smaller, nondescript school. It was a liberal institution mostly focused on the arts, particularly theatre and film. I hadn't any major interest in it, beyond the fact that it had something I could do to pass my time in the human world, not that I was sure how much longer I would remain.

I figured I could write some plays or stories, try my hand at sound and film or something for a while to alleviate my boredom (also known as distracting my pain) and pay the rent that was required in this human life.

And it would help me forget my fire demon.

I couldn't ignore the tears in my mother's eyes and held her close, as she had for me but two weeks ago. I had known this would be hard for her, but it was something I truly needed.

And she understood that.

So nearly two and a half months after Hiei had assaulted me – almost six months after he had initially taken me – I stood at the airport with a ticket in hand, staring at my sobbing mother. I couldn't help the pang of guilt I felt at leaving her for my dad's relations in America, but both of us knew I couldn't stay in Japan.

I enveloped her in a hug, almost bone crushingly tight – something I never do. Her tears stained my Chinese shirt but I continued to hold her close. "It'll be alright," I whispered in her ear. "I'll write every week and call every night, Mother."

I had been making such promises almost every day now for the past month and they seemed to help (a little).

Shiori, the woman who had raised me; taught me love and humanity, merely nodded as I gave her cheek a light peck.

"I love you, Mother," I said softly with all the earnestness my heart possessed. "We both do."

And with that I turned and headed through security. I decided to look back only once, giving my mother a small wave and a little bit of a smile I had kept reserved through all my sorrows just for her.

She returned my wave and that was the last time I saw her for nearly two years.

-o-o-o-

End Chapter 3

-o-o-o-

Okay, I know that was a really short chapter, but I kind of wanted to end it right there.

Shock value an all.

You all can hate me now, because I bet no one but KyoHana was expecting the story to go there.

Anyways, I'm not proud of this chapter. I probably rushed it, but it's been so impossible to write (I've been attempting to write this one chapter for about a year now) that I just decided to get out what I had.

Oh! Anyone who read _**A Life With No You**_, you read a companion piece to this story! That one-shot picks up right where this chapter left off, more or less. I wrote that when I couldn't write this. If you'd all like, please go read it – it might make sense now.

I hope this was acceptable until I get my next chapter up.

Please review!


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